how can i improve my story

Hip Shot , Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 04:02:20 PM

What is wrong with my story? l need to know this so l can improve it. What

Hip Shot

could be changed and moved around. How can l improve the ending? Email me

Registered User

if allowed at tony2176iregmail.com

At The Gates of Silent

Joined: Saturday, 15th of May 2010, 13:26:42

Memory

This is the story of how l died. It was another cloudy

Posts: 1607

miserable night in my home town of limerick and as l was walked down

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O’Connell Street l thought l heard and angry voice calling my name. At
first l did not care, after what had just happened l could not care less
anymore. It was a strange feeling.
“Robert, come on man, what’s
your problem? Hey, Stop!”
Brian, who was hobbling down the street,
was yelling at me to stop. He does not know yet l thought, he could not
know. After a few more paces l decided to stop and confront Brian. l
decided that perhaps l should hear him out one and for all.
Brian,
who was desperately trying to catch his breath, asked “hey, do you know
where Liam is? l can’t find him anywhere.” Brian was huffing still
trying to catch his breath.
“No l haven’t seen him all week,
sorry”. l began to sweet.
“We just had a fight and he walked
out. Are you sure you didn’t see him? l thought l saw you two talking
earlier”.
“Look, l said l haven’t seen him ok!! I’m late got
to get home you know, got an early start at the factory tomorrow. l have to
go. I’ll see you around l suppose. Bye” l said in my calmest voice. He
stood there looking at me with stupidity and suspicion, then something
else resembling curiosity glazed in his deep blue eyes. Then before he
realized that l did know where Liam was l gathered what courage l could
muster and l took off in the direction of William Street.
Once l
rounded the corner l ran until l felt as though l would die. l was only
ten minutes away from home now but it had taken me longer then it had
normally done. l decided to take a short cut across the Hyde road railway
line; l climbed over the railings and sprinted for the exit on the other
side. Several feet from the man made entrance of twisted back metal
barrier entrance l was hit at the back of my head. Struggling to bear the
burning white hot pain l tripped over something soft and fell to the
ground hard. Even with the blinding pain l heard the sound of cracking
bones and l cursed and rolled into the fetal position, grabbing at my
aching blooded knees. Just before l surrendered to the darkness of
oblivion l looked in the direction of what had tripped me over. Blood
poured down my face and in to my eyes. It was hard to make out what hit me
and what l tripped over. In the darkness l thought l could see several
shadows hovering over a small mass n the ground in front of me, whilst one
shadow seemed to limp towards me.
With whatever courage and strength
l had left l wiped the tears of blood from my eyes and looked a head… l
looked directly in to the eyes of Liam. His half naked lifeless body lying
there silently, his eyes wide open and dilated looking right at me. The
final image l saw before passing out was blood dripping from Liam’s
fingernails and the limping figure hit me one last time and then nothing.

l awoke in a haze of blue, and tried to kick off my duvet and but
instead felt pain, the likes of which l had never felt before and prayed l
never would again. l was restrained to the bed but did not know why. Ohhhh
Jesus, oh god l thought. What the hell was l drinking last night? The room
was unpleasantly cold, hmm November what did l expect clear blue skies and
sunshine? Well maybe not l thought. l looked around and was surprised to
see hospital beds. Huh! What happened? “How did l get here” l
wandered.
Suddenly as if without warning l clutched his chest, l
couldn’t stop shaking. With my one free quivering arm l wiped the sweat
from my forehead. Suddenly in my mind’s eye l remembered trees, bushes,
rubbish bins and the few parked cars. l closed my eyes trying to block out
the noises of the medical ward around me, desperately trying to remember
what had happened before the memories faded away. l could smell the
exhaust fumes and the smell of the rotting trash and…. his body slumped
on the ground, his lifeless body in a tangled mess, but l could not
remember even meeting Liam that night….. So why do l remember seeing
him??
l looked at a newspaper that was resting beside me on my bed,
it was the front page of the limerick post and what it told me what could
only be a lie, for what l could count four days had passed. What?? Huh?
Where was l was for four days??? Frantically l looked around me for an
answer, some sign of hope; the only people l saw were a few nurses and a
couple of doctors. Most were dressed in blue and green scrubs like that TV
program l watched. l tried to call out but my voice seemed to not want to.
Gasping and holding my throat l squealed … help?? Can anyone help me??
Please someone help me!!! After catching the attention of another patient,
the cute nurse and the elderly looking man in a tie, he calmly walked over
to my bed.
Well, what have we here,

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